Qual è il mio istinto mi dice?

What's my gut telling me?

I've made a decision!!

Now this decision is something that I prayed about for a very long time.  It's a decision I've asked many others to pray about for me and my family.  And while I don't have EVERYONE on board with this decision, I have the only one who matters and that's GOD!

I don't feel like I have to justify my decision to everyone.  I know I'll get a lot of people who will be disappointed in this and other who will be through the roof with excitement.  But I want everyone to know, I don't take this decision lightly and I feel blessed that God showed me the way, through my faith!!  And before you decide to judge me on this, do a couple of things: 1. Research.  Research this topic.  2. Put yourself in my shoes. Not with YOUR personality, but with mine.  3. Consider all the FACTS (from researching), consider the FACTS in with my personality and then listen to my story.  You don't have to agree with or support me in this decision.  I'm OK with that.  But just know, Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Do you ever wonder what your "gut" feeling is?  I never really understood it until I got over here.  We all know my trials with Chrissy so she doesn't have as much to do with decision as Matti does.  When we first got here I was dumbfounded in how Matti was growing up before my eyes.  She was riding her bike without training wheels within a WEEK of moving in.  She was borderline 9 years old.  We've been trying for 3 years to get her to attempt it more than once.  Within a month in a half she was staying the night with a friend, and she's never stayed with anyone other than family! (And yes, Korbyn is her "cousin" no matter how you explain she isn't).  She attempted one time to stay the night with her BFF Avery, what is it Kelly?? BFF's for 4 years now??, and we got the phone call to come pick her up around 11pm.  So those little milestone were HUGE!!  And I'm beyond proud of her for that.

But the other changes I've seen in Matti aren't so pretty.  I've always vowed to be an extremely involved mother.  Matti and I talk about EVERYTHING.  No, this is not being overbearing, because I back off when she asks me to.  I step aside when I know she has to learn it the hard way.  But what I refuse to do is watch my child's self esteem plummet to the ground and let everyone step all over it.  I'm going to stick up for my child and be her voice until she can get trust in herself and believe in herself to stand UP for herself.  I'm going to be there to support her and give her the pros and cons to everything and allow her to make the decision.  Which is what I've done.

Did you know Matti won't wear dresses anymore?  That hurts me.  Not because she's not girly anymore or is out of that "stage" of her life.  Her reason is "I'm sick of the boys hitting on me momma.  If I don't wear a dress or don't do my hair, they'll leave me alone."  Did you know that even when she's not going to school and not around those little boys, she doesn't want me to do her hair or dress her up??  Yes, I'm still talking about Matti.  I used to spend HOURS at home playing beauty shop with her.  Hair, makeup, pretty clothes.  She DOES NOT CARE anymore.  That hurts my heart.  My baby is losing herself.

Did you know Matti was at the top of her class since she started school?  We, yes I said WE, strive to be the best (or our best) in every single subject.  The only issue I had with Matti and hating school was due to a teacher she had, and I can't blame her.  When I was in that classroom, I had issues with her teacher.  Parent teacher conferences were amazing.  She is an amazing little girl.  When we got back from her first parent teacher conference here and asked her what she thought the teacher said, she burst into tears and cried "That I'm a horrible student!"  Over-dramatic-Matti, you say?  Sure.  But I'm NOT OK with her thinking about herself that way.

This and many other things, which I don't want to discuss due to offending ones who may read this, have contributed to the way I started thinking.  Then, I gave it to God. I GAVE IT TO GOD. Do you want to see what GOD can do?  Read this:

One of my bestest of bestest friends here, homeschools.  She had issues with her son in school and made the decision to homeschool.  Matti goes to ballet twice a week.  All the kids in her ballet class are homeschooled.  Chrissy goes to gymnastics twice a week (two different days than ballet) and we see homeschool families during that time as well.  God put someone else in my path (she happens to be on the board of the homeschool group here) while I was there.  I went on a "girls night out" and met ANOTHER homeschool mom.  And during all this time, I'm praying.  "God, show me the way.  Show me how to support Matti at school.  Show me how to bring peace to my child.  God, give me a sign of your plans."  I pray this every night.  I pray this falling asleep.  I pray this every morning and every afternoon when I have to deal with my sobbing child about school.  "God give me the strength to help Matti through this hard time.  God give her strength."  I pray this over and over and over everyday. 

I was struggling with my decision to homeschool the girls.  Should I?  Shouldn't I?  "God, show me the way."

Then I read this:

"Just a little testimony....Lexi is sick today and I took her to the doc this morning. On our way home decided to grab some lunch. Went back and forth on where to eat and after a small debate decided on whataburger. We then debated on going thru the drive thru and going in and decided to go in. Walked in, ordered, and got our food to realize one of our burgers was wrong. They let us keep the burger and made me a new one. Brought me a sack to take the wrong burger home. While eating a what we assumed to be a homeless man walked in and sat at the table beside us. Lexi was reading and didn't pay much attention to him but he kept catching my eye. I'm sitting there asking God if I should give this guy my extra burger scared to bc idk if he is truly homeless or what. Right before we leave Lexi turns around and sees the man and says do you think we should give him that burger? I was actually nervous to give it to him but hearing Lexi say that I knew God was talking to me. So we gave the man our extra burger and he was so grateful! Pastor Craig said a couple of weeks ago that God talks to us thru situations, other people, and the Holy Spirit....I got to see it first hand thru 2 of those and it's amazing how God works!!"

So maybe, just maybe all of this stuff isn't really a coincidence.   Maybe, just maybe God put these people in my path for a reason.  Maybe, just maybe while I'm praying for strength to believe in my decision of homeschooling God shows me something that happened in my sisters life (half a world away) and tells me, "That "gut" feeling you have isn't your gut, in fact, it's the HOLY SPIRIT. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6."



And THAT, my dear friends, is my testimony and the beginning of another new chapter in my life.