How do you do it?
How do you muster up the courage to pack up and move across the world? Honestly, I just don't know. It just kinda happened.
I talked to my Papa for the first time tonight since we left Oklahoma. He knew who I was at the beginning of the conversation and then again at the end. He lagged just a little in the middle.
It's so hard. As much as I'm loving being over here and seeing the world, I miss my family. I never moved away because I didn't WANT to move away. I liked being around my family. It's hard to think about not seeing them for another 3 years.
My cousin told me the other day that my dad was going back to Texas to visit and take a family picture with his siblings. It really got me to thinking. He's been living apart from them more than half of his life. I can't even tell you how many times he's seen his brother in the past 5 years. Heck, even 10 years. I don't know if that's OK with him, but being away from my siblings for that long and not seeing them is NOT OK with me. Right now, anyway. But I don't want it to ever be OK. Honestly. I don't want my kids growing up being that far away from family. Yes, I'm enjoying this experience and they are too.. but still. And what's so bad about that?
I had soooo many people telling me how "great traveling the world is going to be for you and your kids." You have "no idea how great being away from your family and this bubble is going to be for you." Question... Why is it so bad that I was in that bubble? At least then I didn't feel this heartbreaking, can't breathe because it hurts so bad pain. I get it, I do. I've been given this opportunity. And I'm grateful. But the price I'm paying right now... wow.
This must be one of those "God gives you more than you can handle to make you turn to Him" things. Because right now, I can't.
I'm not publishing this right away. Well, I am, but I'm not sharing it on my page like I normally do. It amazes me the people who will pop up and give their two cents on stuff like this. About me and the "real" Navy. Like I haven't been apart of the Navy the past 11 years I've been with Chris. Just because my experiences aren't the same as theirs. I guess I never realized it was a competition. I get some people have had it worse and some have had it better. I'm just here to live my life and get my own experiences without judgment. I did have one friend who told me to "buck up" and I wasn't upset with her for it. But she also told me, that's all you can do. It sucks. It's hard. It's not pretty at all. But in the end, that's all that's left. You either buck up and deal or you let it consume you. She put that perfect to me. And she meant it from the bottom of her heart. I have no doubt in my mind that she never once judged me for being scared, upset, pissed, happy, sad, this way or that way about this transition. She was there for me, as a Navy Wife who has lived her life this way and moved with her family, and as a true friend. And boy do I wish she was here right now to let me cry on her shoulder.....
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